Borderline

Sadness…

I can remember so many things. So many feelings of worry. So many feeling guilt, feelings of sadness, feelings of emptiness. I felt alone.

I remember they drank alot and fought alot. I remember strangers in and out and adults always around. I remember my sister leaving. She was 6 years older than me and she was about 14 when she left to live with her boyfriend. I can picture so many events leading up to her not wanting to be there any more. I can still remember her holding me outside the front of that 3 family blue house. Her words will never leave me. She said “Sam I wish I could take you with me” as tears wept down both of our faces.

Flashing red and blue lights because they were fighting again. It wasn’t anything new, yet it always seemed to upset me. I remember my mother would cry she would tell me how awful my father was to her. She’d tell me how she hated his guts and he would beat and abuse her. I remember I hated him for that. I hated him because how could anyone hurt my mother. I was a little girl who loved and needed her mom to be there for her.

There are to many days to dawn on, but this one I’ll never ever forget. It was just like any other day they were drinking and getting high. It was early and still light outside. They started to fight because the drugs were gone. I remember my father saying that’s all I had. He refused to spend any more money. She began fighting with him and smashing his things. She told him she was calling the cops on him. I remember his voice clearly pleading with her not to. The argument kept up. I remember hearing sirens because the police were on their way. My father hurried to leave down the front stairs. As he did she locked him out. It seemed like just a second past my father was banging at the door as my young teary eyed face looked up at him. He begged me to let him in as mother screamed at me not to. He pleaded please daughter I don’t want to go to jail. I opened it and let him in. He ran to the back door to leave as the cops were making their way up the front. He started to try and go down the back steps but he can hear them coming up. He ran to the back porch and started to try and climb down I remember being so terrified telling him no please don’t. I can still see his body falling to the ground 3 stories. I remember screaming daddy’s dead, daddy’s dead. My mother came running after me as I ran the fastest I ever ran down those stairs to get to him. I remember an officer holding me so tight as I tried to get to his lifeless body. I fought my hardest to get away and I did. My father was surrounded by officers and an ambulance was already there. I can still see blood coming from his ears and nose….

I cried so hard. I was so hurt and I knew my mother called the police on him because the drugs were gone and he didn’t want more. I knew that he didn’t hit her. I knew that he did nothing wrong and for that I started to see her for what she really was.

It was a shock when we got the call he was in icu and he was alive. It was the happiest call of my life. All he could do was ask for me and wanted to know if his daughter was ok. I couldn’t wait to get to the hospital to see him.

 

 

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