Days continue as they always do, the only difference is they seem so much longer now. I’m tangled in a Web of dysfunctional love. I still remember a feeling of fear, I was afraid of a phone call or knock on the door. My mother had been gone now longer than normal. I remember being terrified that her body laid lifeless somewhere in the night.
I still can see that old car pull up to the front on my home. The man driving just starred back at me with a viod look on his face. Out of that car came my mother and another woman. I remember her packing her things ever so calmly. She spoke of things like how happy she was and how these people care for her. She spoke of leaving us for good, and how it was what she needed. She spoke of how she’d visit when she could.
I turned my focus to him more than ever. Because he told me those words I needed. He told me those words when my heart ached at its worst. He spoke those words when the ones who were supposed to did not.
A little time passes and I know my father is hurting. He’s hurting because she’s once again left us. He’s hurting because this time it felt more real than all the others. He was a man, I was his daughter. He knew I needed more than he was able to give me.
I remember my grandmother coming to stay with us. She knew my father needed help raising a young woman and she swept to our rescue. I remember she put food in our empty fridge, and helped me with laundry. She was a sort of personal angel who knew all of the sadness that was previously set upon us.
I remember she didn’t like him much, she didn’t like him because she could see the pain behind my smile. She didn’t like him because she heard the fights and seen traces of hidden bruises. She tried to keep me away but what did she not understand, he told me those three words I needed, And for that I loved him to.
One thing I can say I wish I didn’t remember was this day, because on this day I would suffer the greatest pain of my young life. The usual chaos, the fights now came from him and I. She told me he must leave because she would not stay if I kept him around. How could she not see i love him. Why is she trying to take away the thing I needed most. I finally found it and she wants me to let it go. I could not bare the pain of losing those words.
I spoke to her of terrible things, I cried and screamed of my hatred towards her. I spoke some of the cruelest words to ever leave my mouth. I told her I wished she would just die. I spoke that if she just dropped dead i would not care. My love for those words was more powerful than anything else in the world. Her face sad and angered by my words, She walked out that door. But the next days, the next days would show me how painful losing love really could be.
I still can hear the footsteps of my cousin walking towards me, the phone to her ear with a pale look on her face. My grandmother has died, but how on earth could this be. I just spoke those terrible things just two days earlier. I spoke treacherous things that I did not mean my body filled with rage and anger towards my self. My heart feeling more pain than it could bare. I think at the moment I was terrified, I was terrified to have my father learn his mother was gone. I was terrified because he knew the awful things I spoke to her. I was scared he’d leave me to. I could still remember tears would not fall, the sadness I felt would not fall from eyes. I needed at the moment someone who loved her as deeply as I did. I remember the moment my sister walked through that door she held me so tightly, and once again tears wept down both our faces.
The next days, weeks and months were filled with so many tears. I cried every night preying to God to please let her know how much I loved her. Please let her know I never ever meant those horrible things I said. The amount of sorrow I felt was weighing so heavily on my conscience. But every night, he was there with those three words.