Borderline

Gaining life..

I am 15 now, still growing vastly into a young woman. On the inside I can still feel shattered traces of the childhood set before me. On the outside I’m forming into a woman now, my body growing in places it hadn’t before. I await patiently some days for a phone call or visit from my mother, inside I miss her deeply but it’s a feeling I hide from the world. I hide my love for her because I’m embarrassed of her. I’m embarrassed she has left me once again and I some how still love her. My mind is easily occupied because he is still here with those three words, although some days I don’t believe them much anymore but in my fragile teenage mind I some how convince my self if he says them, it must be true.

I remember what seemed like never ending apologies, I’d plead out sorry and find my self in spiral of self loath. How on earth could I be so stupid to not be careful with my words. I tell him how sorry I am and tell him it won’t happen again.  He tells me I make him do it, I’m the one at fault. I remember his words so perfectly asking why I make him so mad.

I wear no makeup now, because he tells me I’m beautiful without it. I wear shirts that cover all my skin because I’m for no one else to see. I find myself breakable to any words of hurt.

Hands grip tightly around my throat, stitches hold my skin in place from that knife. But I know things will get better because I am gaining a life. A tiny little heart is beating inside me now and I know that he can change.

 

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9 thoughts on “Borderline

  1. you are starting so early in life to realize what it is you want and don’t want
    I wish I would of had your insight
    When I was your age
    I can only tell you
    That if you stay on your path
    it will get better
    Stay thirsty
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Give yourself time. At 15 I would have been astonished if I knew what my world would be like. Pain and joy, good and bad. At 67 now I’m still living in promise of the next moments. You can design your life. Give yourself time. Went to doctor today. I am still cancer free after treatments 3 years ago ! Look out world….Thank you for your recent visit to my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

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