I am 15 now, still growing vastly into a young woman. On the inside I can still feel shattered traces of the childhood set before me. On the outside I’m forming into a woman now, my body growing in places it hadn’t before. I await patiently some days for a phone call or visit from my mother, inside I miss her deeply but it’s a feeling I hide from the world. I hide my love for her because I’m embarrassed of her. I’m embarrassed she has left me once again and I some how still love her. My mind is easily occupied because he is still here with those three words, although some days I don’t believe them much anymore but in my fragile teenage mind I some how convince my self if he says them, it must be true.
I remember what seemed like never ending apologies, I’d plead out sorry and find my self in spiral of self loath. How on earth could I be so stupid to not be careful with my words. I tell him how sorry I am and tell him it won’t happen again. He tells me I make him do it, I’m the one at fault. I remember his words so perfectly asking why I make him so mad.
I wear no makeup now, because he tells me I’m beautiful without it. I wear shirts that cover all my skin because I’m for no one else to see. I find myself breakable to any words of hurt.
Hands grip tightly around my throat, stitches hold my skin in place from that knife. But I know things will get better because I am gaining a life. A tiny little heart is beating inside me now and I know that he can change.