Borderline

The day had come…

I remember those months of my 16th year so vividly.

I remember that time in my life so well probably because it was the point of no return. It was a year full choices I made that would change my path in life forever. I remember coming home from school one day as he sat there waiting for me to arrive. I must have worn something that he did not approve of, or maybe it was a faint layer of make up on my face. I think maybe I walked up those front steps with a smile on my face and he wondered what made me happy during my day. Truth is I was always happy at school away from that disfunction, it was a place I could laugh and smile and no one questioned why. I remember he hit me and I wasn’t sure why. I think maybe somewhere in his cheating and lies came a sense of unreasonable jealousy, a guilty conscious on his behalf. I remember he told me he didn’t want me going back, he told me how he didn’t trust me and my place was to be home. I still to this day regret listening to him, I regret giving up my life for him.

I remember I was alone more than Id like. I gave up everything for him and he was hardly around. He’d come home at night to sleep and the nights he didn’t I’d lay in a puddle of my own tears contemplating how I could let myself stay in love with so much pain. The fights were daily and the I love yous were less and less. He’d call me hurtful names, and make me feel worthless. Somewhere in the mist of all that I tried even harder to make things work. Our baby would be here soon and even if things were awful I felt a sense of needing to try, I needed to try my hardest to stay. I always seen how awful things were with my parents but yet they seemed to always end up back to one another to provide a false security of a home with both parents.

The day I’d been anticipating for months was finally here. The tension of everything else in the world was gone. I cared about only him, I cared about only hearing his first cry and holding him in my arms. The sound of him crying was the most beautiful sound I ever heard.  I remember seeing his little face, he was the tiniest baby I’d ever seen. My heart was full of love, full of protection. It was a feeling I can’t even fully exspress but the love I felt on that day was the greatest love I’d ever felt in my young life.

When I took him home and begun my path of motherhood, it came so naturally I did everything with out a single mistake. I loved him so much I knew there was no room for error. As I spent my days and nights as a nurturer he was hardly around. I knew what he was out doing and it made me furious. I couldn’t believe he didn’t feel this new love that I did, I couldn’t belive how my young mind that so desperately thought he might change was wrong.

I remember it was only about a week after giving birth and he wanted me. I refused, I was sickened by the thought of him not coming home the night before. I no longer loved him more than life itself, I no longer gave in to his every need and want. I had a new love and I think it haunted him. I remember him forcing himself upon me as laid there with tears in my eyes, I still had stitches from giving birth. When he was done i remember how disgusting I felt. I remember him fighting with me and once again his own guilt would surface. Accusations of how I must of been the one being unfaithful. My young heart was in a blur of emotions I couldn’t bare.