Borderline..

The longest year…

In my twisted life of love, hate and disfunction 16 seemed like an eternity.

As I discover my new path of motherhood in this life I start to learn more about myself then ever before. I look down at his little face as he smiles back at me, in that moment I realize he does not love me because he needs me, he loves me because he is loved. I truly believe he taught me that the way I desired love was all wrong. I knew I’d do anything, I’d give my last breath if he needed it. That is what true love feels like.

A short time passes and my emotions have seemed to grip tightly around every inch of sanity in my head. I remember tears of the unknown weeping down my face, sadness in my heart for no reason at all. I felt so alone even though I had this beautiful little creation that gave me tranquility.

As I battle the fights and bruises from him and those three words, I battle the exhausted mind and body of mine from all the sleepless nights. I’ve heard before that teenagers suffer from post partum depression often I’m not sure if it’s true or not but I knew it had taken control of me as I’d try my hardest to stay afloat in the waves of emotion.

I remember holding a pill bottle in my hand as I begged God to help me gather the strength to keep moving forward. In that moment I wanted the pain to stop so badly. As I sat there debating on weather or not I was meant to be here, it hit me, I was my mother and for that I hated myself. I hated that I could let myself come to this point. I never wanted to be like her and I never wanted my son to have a mother like her. Tears wept harder as I prayed  to God and asked him to help me and give me a purpose in this lifetime. On that day in that moment I felt a tiny kick from within. I held my baby boy and promised to be the best I could be for him. because in that moment I knew my purpose was to be a mother. I knew that no matter how bad the days were, and how much pain my young heart felt, I knew I must be better for my children.

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