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Borderline..

Unexpected..

19 came so fast in my busy life of being a mother. My soul purpose is my children, they are my happiness in a world of chaos.

As I nurture and raise these two beautiful children. Him and his three words are only around when its convenient for him. I no longer mind this as I once I did, I find peace in his absence. So much peace that I ask him to leave, a strength that I never once thought I’d have.

I remember doing my very best with them, it wasnt always easy but I never once gave up. I noticed things about my daughter that made me unsure. As a young mother I didnt know what was wrong but I knew it was something. I remember reaching out for help, after weeks of observation and screening test, that was the first time I heard the word Autism. My heart ached, every emotion I could feel I felt. I was angry, questioning every choice and decision I ever made with her asking myself what I could have done to cause this. I felt sadness, because I knew it would be a hard road for her, I never wanted any hardships or struggles for my babies.

Tears fell beyond belief, but once those tears stopped, came happiness. I was happy because she was here with me, and I knew I would fight every single battle along the road with her. There were days it was so hard, I’d cry but always pick up the pieces. Shes my world and being strong is my only option.

Tantrums and screams filled my home. It truly killed me inside on the days I couldn’t even hug my own child to console her. Seeing her pain, was my pain to. I hurt for her and vowed to never ever give up. This is my fight and it will not beat me. Countless hours of therapy, I listened and watched every single lesson done with her.

Heartache is what I felt every single time she could not enjoy her self in this overwhelming world, somehow I understood her pain as I felt I’d been there to.

I always say God only gives us what we can handle, and I truly believe this. Not only have I taught my daughter but I believe shes taught me so much more.

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Borderline..

Pain…

I remember so vividly how controlling he was. I truly believe I remember every single detail of him down to his smell because as I grow, I stay as far away from anyone whom reminds me of that man.

My new life focus was being the best I knew how to be for my children. I knew I needed more. I wanted more, I thrived so desperately to be better than the life set before me. I remember him so angry, furious in a blind rage over me getting a job. His words cut deep ” it’s me or the job” I was growing stronger, as I looked at him with every ounce of courage in my body, I said it’s the job. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, now I’d have to hide bruises from the world on a daily basis no longer just in my home.

He made it so difficult, calling that work phone hundreds of times. Accusations of every thing in book over me just wanting better for my children. At this time I knew I was becoming stronger, so did he because everything hed done to tear me down I kept picking up the pieces and fighting my way out. Embarrassment filled my soul the day he walked in and spit in my face because I did not answer that phone. Looks from strangers still haunt me to this day, his three words are now meaningless. Yet I’m still there.

I remember arriving home after a 12 hour shift, mentally, emotionally and physically drained. This was honestly one of the scariest nights of my life as a mother. Exhausted I went to check on my babies. My baby girl was sick, I wanted to make sure she was ok. But in that moment she wasnt. As I picked her up limp and grey, I panicked. It seemed like waiting forever for that ambulance to arrive in that storm. Helpless, I watched as they worked on her. Tubes down her throught, tears wept from eyes as they poked her numerous times to get an IV in her. I remember the nurse coming out of the room and placing her rosary necklace in my hand. Unable to speak, as terror and pain ripped me apart. Before I knew it another ambulance was on the way to send her to a more equipped hospital. I’ve never experienced this pain in my young life. The thought of losing my child was the scariest and most unsettling feeling I’ve ever felt. She was slowly getting better each day, I prayed to God endlessly that week. Those days were filled with uncertainty. Finally, right before her first birthday they gave us the ok to go home. As I held her in my arms, the love a mother feels for her children is like no other. I promise her to give her the best life she deserves. I hold on tightly to her as I know how I almost lost her forever.

 

Borderline…

Her first breath..

Days continue to feel like an eternity. The days he’s gone are the happiest. When he’s around the only way of life I know with him is chaos. Closed off from the entire world, my solstice is in my arms and growing within. Some days feel like a blur the unexpected always around the corner. I dont know if it was my words or maybe just him, I know I barely spoke much and always tried to be cautious. I dont even know what led to the next events, all I can remember is begging and pleading with him to stop. Not for me, for the love growing inside.

I remember my entire body bruised, defense wounds on my hands and fingers from pleading with him. Blood falling from my body, bruises like I’ve never seen before in this lifetime. I dont know what made him furious on that day, I dont know why he chose to pick up that hockey stick. I find myself trying to cover up bruises as he apologizes. I no longer accept the apologies, I’m simply there.

It’s cold, it’s been a stressful month. As I lay in bed with my one true love i realize my second is on her way. Terrified that shes on her way so early, I keep my composure through it all. Him and his three words walked in the room at the very last minute. I couldn’t even be mad, I knew a better love was awaiting and I’d be holding her any moment. As I looked down at her face, my heart was full. She took my breath away. I’ve never seen a more perfect baby in my entire life. This is love, knowing you’d give your last breath for one you’ve just met.

Borderline…

Strength…

17 came so fast, my new life purpose has taught me so much. I’m learning a new way of love I had never known before. As I look down at his face my heart is filled with nothing but happiness, as I hold my belly and feel those tiny kicks I feel complete. Fights are still there but I’m starting to feel less and less for him and those three words. I find my self happy when he is gone, I find peace in my life and less worries holding my child. I see how much it kills him inside, it kills him because he knows I no longer love him, he knows I’ve grown inside and its terrifying him because he knows I will not stay forever.

His hands become clenched more often. I’m hiding bruises from the entire world, the embarrassment I feel is sickening. His words get worst, less and less loving each day. He tells me no one will ever want me, I’m not good enough for another man. He shames me and tells me I’m going to be just like my mother. There was a time my young mind actually believed his words….

I believed those words because it was all I ever known.

Borderline..

The longest year…

In my twisted life of love, hate and disfunction 16 seemed like an eternity.

As I discover my new path of motherhood in this life I start to learn more about myself then ever before. I look down at his little face as he smiles back at me, in that moment I realize he does not love me because he needs me, he loves me because he is loved. I truly believe he taught me that the way I desired love was all wrong. I knew I’d do anything, I’d give my last breath if he needed it. That is what true love feels like.

A short time passes and my emotions have seemed to grip tightly around every inch of sanity in my head. I remember tears of the unknown weeping down my face, sadness in my heart for no reason at all. I felt so alone even though I had this beautiful little creation that gave me tranquility.

As I battle the fights and bruises from him and those three words, I battle the exhausted mind and body of mine from all the sleepless nights. I’ve heard before that teenagers suffer from post partum depression often I’m not sure if it’s true or not but I knew it had taken control of me as I’d try my hardest to stay afloat in the waves of emotion.

I remember holding a pill bottle in my hand as I begged God to help me gather the strength to keep moving forward. In that moment I wanted the pain to stop so badly. As I sat there debating on weather or not I was meant to be here, it hit me, I was my mother and for that I hated myself. I hated that I could let myself come to this point. I never wanted to be like her and I never wanted my son to have a mother like her. Tears wept harder as I prayed  to God and asked him to help me and give me a purpose in this lifetime. On that day in that moment I felt a tiny kick from within. I held my baby boy and promised to be the best I could be for him. because in that moment I knew my purpose was to be a mother. I knew that no matter how bad the days were, and how much pain my young heart felt, I knew I must be better for my children.

Borderline

The day had come…

I remember those months of my 16th year so vividly.

I remember that time in my life so well probably because it was the point of no return. It was a year full choices I made that would change my path in life forever. I remember coming home from school one day as he sat there waiting for me to arrive. I must have worn something that he did not approve of, or maybe it was a faint layer of make up on my face. I think maybe I walked up those front steps with a smile on my face and he wondered what made me happy during my day. Truth is I was always happy at school away from that disfunction, it was a place I could laugh and smile and no one questioned why. I remember he hit me and I wasn’t sure why. I think maybe somewhere in his cheating and lies came a sense of unreasonable jealousy, a guilty conscious on his behalf. I remember he told me he didn’t want me going back, he told me how he didn’t trust me and my place was to be home. I still to this day regret listening to him, I regret giving up my life for him.

I remember I was alone more than Id like. I gave up everything for him and he was hardly around. He’d come home at night to sleep and the nights he didn’t I’d lay in a puddle of my own tears contemplating how I could let myself stay in love with so much pain. The fights were daily and the I love yous were less and less. He’d call me hurtful names, and make me feel worthless. Somewhere in the mist of all that I tried even harder to make things work. Our baby would be here soon and even if things were awful I felt a sense of needing to try, I needed to try my hardest to stay. I always seen how awful things were with my parents but yet they seemed to always end up back to one another to provide a false security of a home with both parents.

The day I’d been anticipating for months was finally here. The tension of everything else in the world was gone. I cared about only him, I cared about only hearing his first cry and holding him in my arms. The sound of him crying was the most beautiful sound I ever heard.  I remember seeing his little face, he was the tiniest baby I’d ever seen. My heart was full of love, full of protection. It was a feeling I can’t even fully exspress but the love I felt on that day was the greatest love I’d ever felt in my young life.

When I took him home and begun my path of motherhood, it came so naturally I did everything with out a single mistake. I loved him so much I knew there was no room for error. As I spent my days and nights as a nurturer he was hardly around. I knew what he was out doing and it made me furious. I couldn’t believe he didn’t feel this new love that I did, I couldn’t belive how my young mind that so desperately thought he might change was wrong.

I remember it was only about a week after giving birth and he wanted me. I refused, I was sickened by the thought of him not coming home the night before. I no longer loved him more than life itself, I no longer gave in to his every need and want. I had a new love and I think it haunted him. I remember him forcing himself upon me as laid there with tears in my eyes, I still had stitches from giving birth. When he was done i remember how disgusting I felt. I remember him fighting with me and once again his own guilt would surface. Accusations of how I must of been the one being unfaithful. My young heart was in a blur of emotions I couldn’t bare.

Borderline

Scorned…

A few months pass and I am 16 now. I can feel little kicks from within.

 

I remember how badly I wanted my mother. She was never a good mom, but she was my mom. It was by far not in any way her nurturing or guidance that I needed. I just needed her for the simple fact she was my mother. Some time had past and she returned home from the house she had earlier so eagerly moved to. I guess somewhere in that year the man and woman in that car saw her for what she was. It’s funny when I think back on it because no matter what she always had a home with me and my father even though we knew her habits, we knew her downfalls. Even when she’d scorn us so badly we still always let her back.

I can remember how happy I was that she came back, I was a baby having a baby and somewhere in the mist of all those hormones I felt like I needed her more than ever. Old habits never die though, and not to long after she returned she planned to leave to New Orleans to work. I remember she spoke of how she’d come back with all the money she made to help me with the baby. She told me how she was doing this all for me.

Deep down I cared not at all about the money, I just didn’t want her to go. I was scared because I knew her, I was afraid she’d end up dead out there. I told her I wanted her to stay, but that was not enough. Once again she had left me alone. I never told anyone how hard I cried the day she left.

I cried because I needed her.

I remember it was only about a month she was gone. She called to say she was on her way home. I can still hear her words like everything was ok, like she never even left me. I remember she returned with nothing not a penny in her pocket, and I just thought to myself she left me for nothing. She left me once again to get high.

Battered emotions, a broken soul. I used to lay there and talk to my growing baby. I’d tell him no matter what I’d never leave him. I’d tell him how much I loved him. I couldn’t ever understand it, I loved him already more than life itself.

Toxic relationships filled every room of that beat up old apartment we called home. Every day seemed like a disaster waiting to happen. I remember the baby was due to arrive soon, and in a life of unfortunate events something would always be bound to go wrong. What seems like such an easy fix now a day was a harrowing tragedy then living on the bare minimum. I remember our washing machine broke, I remember I begged my dad please, please buy a new one. But back then buying a new one meant a month of nothing, it meant an extra trip to the food bank and no shampoo or necessities. I can still see him handing my mother that couple hundred dollars, our only money for that month. She kindly offered to go and buy it herself, but the whole day had passed with out her return. That day turned to a four day binge. I remember when she returned wreaking of alcohol and no washing machine. I had enough, I can still feel the tension in that house as I begged my father not to let her back. I begged him so badly to please just send her on her way. I was so upset at him that day, I was so upset because him just like me always accepted her back.